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cazzie
 #1 
Hi everyone

It's 7.30am and I've looked out the window and it's a beautiful day out there - really lovely.

Before the ear syringing business, today would be my day off work, I would have slept properly last night and been well rested, looking forward to going opportunity shopping, picking up my favourite weekly magazines, spending time on the waterfront whilst walking with a smile on my face.

Unfortunately the scenario is different:

As the noise was really loud last night, I went to sleep with a sleeping tablet, and kept wishing that I had used the Waxsol and not gone to the doctor .... this is the thought that kept penetrating my head.

Now I'm sitting here in front of the computer and the noise is very high.

Maybe a trip to Lourdes is necessary as I sure need a miracle to cope with this.
dustie
 #2 
cazzie:   i guess this is part of what takes time.   it's natural to try to wish away something that happened and is now causing you to suffer.   everyone does that!   i've had many of those regrets in my life, believe me.   many.

the thing is, it gets us absolutely nowhere.   it happened, it's done.   what to do now?   that is The Question.   pondering this question and trying to find realistic solutions is energy much better spent, in my opinion.   at least it's been my experience and i see it everywhere in the world.

if i were you, honestly, i would first work at getting rid of that "thought that kept penetrating your head" last night -- wishing you hadn't gone to the doctor and had your ear syringed.   it may be a true thought, but it's the past.   it isn't now, and it isn't the future, and it won't help you now or in the future.   it's hurting you.




  



cazzie
 #3 

Dustie, I just feel so sad .... have to go this morning and do a bit of shopping for dog food, washing powder, tea, etc and am dreading to go to the supermarket ... this Tinnitus has literally sucked the life out of me.

dustie
 #4 
i know, cazzie.   and maybe you just have to feel sad for a while before moving on.   i do understand it, because i felt very real grief myself when the tinnitus started.   i grieved for loss of silence, for having taken silence for granted, and for what i thought would be a permanent inability to enjoy anything ever again.   just please keep in mind that when you reach the other side of the sadness, there are real paths that will help you.   so hang on, because as hard as the sadness is now, you won't always feel this way.   nothing stays the same.   everything changes, and so will your sadness.




SFNATIVE4
 #5 
Carolina,

Do pray to our Lord and our Lady (that she will intercede with her Son) for a cure,  and if it not be our Lord's will....

That HE will give you strength, as only he can!!!

And a trip to Lourdes is always awesome. Sometimes we can physically be healed and sometimes the Lord gives us emotional healing.

Perhaps if you know someone going to Lourdes (this year is the 150th anniversary of the Blessed Mother appearing to St. Bernadette) they will bring some of the blessed water to you!

Know you are in my prayers!


pt
 #6 
cazzie, you are not alone. i totally understand.

i think this way of thinking -- these regrets, the "if onlys" -- is perhaps more common for those of us who have a clearly identifiable "cause" for our ear problems and also who blame ourselves. i am in a similar situation because i was injured by a loud workplace ventilation system. i had symptoms of aural fullness and began wearing earplugs, but it wasn't enough. i have spent much time beating myself up over all the things i could have done, like taking vacation time to rest my ears, complaining more forcefully, etc. just as you are beating yourself up over the ear syringing. none of it changes the reality. give yourself a few months, and you should be able to cope better. now, i am slowly coming 'round to thinking about what i can do rather than what i cannot do.
stringplayer
 #7 

Cazzie posted:

Maybe a trip to Lourdes is necessary as I sure need a miracle to cope with this.

............

I sympathize.  Truly I do.

But this kind of talk is compunding your difficulties.

You don't need a miracle.

You don't need a trip to Lourdes.

What you need is some guidance and help with a plan to overcome your tinnitus just as thousands of others have done - people in the same position as you.

Now earlier today I gave you the name of a man I thought would fit the bill.  You e-mailed him.  And if for some reason he doesn't get your e-mail, you'll telephone him.

But the kind of catastrophizing you are doing in your thinking and writing is putting you deeper in the hole you are trying to climb out of.

I am sorry to be blunt, but sometimes true support requires words that might not be so pleasant to hear.

A fellow I know quite well gave the following brief speech at an American Tinnitus Association meeting a while back.  Think about what he said, OK?

sp


...........


I would like to address those of you in the audience with tinnitus - specifically those of you for whom tinnitus is severe enough to significantly impact your lives.

ATA asked me to develop a presentation about "the personal experience," but since I prefer not to dwell on my own struggles with tinnitus, I declined.

I would, however, like to make an observation or two.

I am sure that all of you who suffer with tinnitus know individuals who say, "Oh yea, I hear noises in my ears sometimes, but I just ignore them - and you should, too."  Your (mental) response is, "This guy doesn't have a clue."

I am sure that you know very well-meaning individuals who say - in a reassuring tone, "I had tinnitus.  It really bothered me for a while, but I learned to live with it, and so will you."  Your response is, "That guy may have had tinnitus, but he doesn't have MY tinnitus.  There's tinnitus ... and there's damn tinnitus ... I've got damn tinnitus."  Right?  Have you all been there?

Well, let me tell you something.  I know what it's like not to be able to fall asleep at night because of the noise of a jet turbine in my head.  I've been there.

I know what it's like to be incredibly exhausted in the afternoon ... following a restless night ... but not want to take even a brief nap, because I knew I'd wake up with twice the roar I started with.  I've been there.

I know what it's like to see the audiologist's eyes practically fall out of his head during tinnitus matching, because he's thinking, "Now this is impressive.

I know what it's like to want to beat my head against the wall because of the noise.

I know what it's like for the idea of putting food to my mouth to cause my stomach to knot up with nausea because of the trains going by in my head.

I know what it's like to be an adult male in his late forties and want to put my head on my 80-year-old mother's lap so she can rub it and make things quiet ... and I know what it's like to see tears in her eyes because she can't help.  I've been there.

I know what it's like to want to die.

I know what it's like to see a loving wife sick with worry and fear.

And I know what it's like to just about fall apart when a five year old son looks at his father's ears and says, "Daddy, I wish I could just reach in there with my fingers and pull that bad noise out so you could be happy again."  You see, I've been there, too.

So I think I know damn tinnitus.

And I'm here to tell you that you can overcome it.  The ladies and gentlemen who are addressing you today have dedicated a considerable amount of their professional lives to assisting tinnitus sufferers in overcoming tinnitus and in taking charge of their lives again.  And the health care professionals next to you in the audience are doing the same.  And the ATA is helping numerous investigators in obtaining funds to press on with high quality needed research.  You can overcome your tinnitus.  I know.  I've been there.

Thank you.


cazzie
 #8 
Thanks everyone for your support.  The speech you provided, sp, is thought provoking.  I also haven't heard back from Mr Wilson as yet (I know I have to give him a few days though) so will ring if by chance he doesn't get my email.

stringplayer
 #9 
Cazzie posted [in part]:

The speech you provided, sp, is thought provoking.

...........

Thought provoking ... and 100% true.

I know.

It was my speech.

sp
Rob_in_Denver
 #10 

Quote:
Originally Posted by cazzie
Hi everyone

It's 7.30am and I've looked out the window and it's a beautiful day out there - really lovely.

Before the ear syringing business, today would be my day off work, I would have slept properly last night and been well rested, looking forward to going opportunity shopping, picking up my favourite weekly magazines, spending time on the waterfront whilst walking with a smile on my face.

Unfortunately the scenario is different:

As the noise was really loud last night, I went to sleep with a sleeping tablet, and kept wishing that I had used the Waxsol and not gone to the doctor .... this is the thought that kept penetrating my head.

Now I'm sitting here in front of the computer and the noise is very high.

Maybe a trip to Lourdes is necessary as I sure need a miracle to cope with this.


cazzie

It is a beautiful day out there.  Life is beautiful, and so are you.  You have many blessings, among which is the ability to enjoy the wonder and beauty around you.

You will learn to overcome the tinnitus.  It won't take a miracle.  It won't even take much effort.  It will take time and faith in yourself.  It will take cultivating those things that make you happy and relaxed, even if at first the intruding tinnitus seems to spoil everything.  Because, in time, it will lose its power to intrude into your life.  It will become that noise "over there". which you can easily ignore, rather than the screaming monster it may seem to be now.

Many of us have gone through the same experiences you are now having.  Time and your own strength will see you through.

Rob in Denver
aQuieterBreeze
 #11 
Dear Cazzie,

I spent alot of time one year "looking for a rewind button for life",
I never found it. And wish I had not spent so much time looking for it.
(I don't get that time back either)
The fact that I kept looking never changed what could not be changed.
But when I quit looking? I had much more energy
and time to spend,  seeking peace and happiness instead.
And I found it eventually.
Sometimes it takes time to adjust to changes,
and sometimes it helps to know that others have been there.
And gotten through it, and are doing just fine.

Sp says-

A fellow I know quite well gave the following brief speech at an American Tinnitus Association meeting a while back.  Think about what he said, OK?

Would the intelligent fellow who gave that speech be Dr. Nagler?

Wonderful speech! And Thanks for posting it!

stringplayer
 #12 
QB asked:

Would the intelligent fellow who gave that speech be Dr. Nagler?

.............

I gave that speech, QB.  But Dr. Nagler was great help with the wording, so I can see how you might be confused.

sp

cazzie
 #13 

Through the doctor, I have six visits (with a psychologist called Vic) which is partly bulkbilled by Medicare.

Vic rang me tonight as he was concerned that he wasn't able to see me for my first appointment ASAP due to a large number of patients.  If there is a cancellation, he will slot me in but otherwise I have to wait until Friday week.

Vic mentioned to do deep breathing, keep taking the sleeping tablets (as sleep is healing), distract myself, calm down, lie down and have catnaps when possible and stop the emotional arousal.

I explained to him that I was sad that my doctor said I had a mental illness whereas it's anxiety (in response to the ear syringing) in my perception.

In ringing me tonight,I was very appreciative of his concern and advice. Vic mentioned that I would need the full three months off work.

SFNATIVE4
 #14 
CAZZIE,

AGAIN, NO DISRESPECT MEANT TO STRINGPLAYER.......

HE STATED YOU DON'T NEED ANY MIRACLES AND NO TRIP TO LOURDES.

GOD USES PEOPLE AS INSTRUMENTS FOR HIS WORK.......

I ALWAYS PRAY THAT THE LORD WILL GIVE THE DOCTOR'S WISDOM AND THEY WILL BE HIS INSTRUMENT .......  IF IT BE GOD'S WILL THAT I AM CURED......AND IF IT BE NOT HIS WILL, THAT HE WILL GIVE ME THE STRENGTH......

GOD SOMETIMES ALLOWS SICKNESS OR DIFFICULTIES TO BRING THE GREATER GOOD OUT OF IT ALL.  ACTUALLY FOR OUR SANTIFICATION.  WE MIGHT NOT BE THE SAME PEOPLE WITHOUT IT!

SOMETHING FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT.......

AND AGAIN, I AM PRAYING FOR YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE WITH TINNITUS DAILY.
dustie
 #15 
cazzie, anxiety run amok, no matter what the cause, *is* illness; or if it isn't, then it'll lead to illness quickly enough.   i've had panic disorder for years, under control thanks to therapy and then a medication.

technically panic or prolonged anxiety is considered a mental illness.   but who cares what it's called?   whatever it's called, it's there and it's causing you problems.   seems to me your doc did the right thing by referring you to a professional who is educated about and can help treat anxiety.   and vic sounds so far like he knows what he's talking about.

sp:   that's a fantastic and moving speech.





cazzie
 #16 

I managed to fall asleep last night without a sleeping tablet so was really happy.  This morning I wake up at 5am and the sound is still there, half strength and I wake up depressed because of it.  And of course start thinking, why didn't I use the Waxsol so I could have avoided 5 weeks of torture?? 

I just always enjoyed reading or using the computer in silence and that has been taken away from me.

I know, I know .... I must leave the past where it belongs. 

Geez, yesterday I was coping okay but today I have fallen in a heap again ... it's like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. 

aQuieterBreeze
 #17 
Hi Cazzie,

Have you thought of listening to something you enjoy?
Something you find soothing that is easy on your ears?
Some find nature Cds or tabletop "sound generators" to be to their liking.
I find the nature Cd I listen to helps calm me down a bit too, as it takes my mind off other external noises.
And maybe being in that calmer state of mind helps with other things too?
I know it does for me.
I have heard of people with tinnitus that use a "sound machine" to help them for sleeping too.
If you ask Sp or others here, maybe someone can  recommend one that people seem to like.
(I'm not sure if there is a lot of variance in quality of those things, but if I was going to get one, I'd want one that has good quality sound to it)

I hope you find some pleasing sounds to allow into your environment.
They may help take your mind off the fact it is not silent.
Also there can be a difference in the quality of the sounds we  listen to.
Some sounds heard over the computer may not be very high quality, and some speakers may be better than others.

And Maybe quality could make a difference with your condition?
I do not know, but wonder if it could.
So I hope you find something that is Pleasing, That sounds good to you.
(And I hope you are not trying to listen using "earbuds" or anything like that, as I do not know if that would be a wise thing for you to do, Especially right now.)

Take Care

pattiluv
 #18 

Cazzie,

This is my story. my lover laughed in my ear at close range, all but two minutes after I asked him not to speak so close to me so loudly. He forgot my request and laughed loudly close to my ear. I got hyperacusis and reactive tinnitus. I *could* tell you the pain/trauma story. Instead I am just going to say, factually, he laughed too loud by accident because he either didn’t realize how dangerous it was/ or forgot.

Since then I have gone into many tears and rages. My whole life changed as I got hyperacusis and right now can not now do my business, attend parties, go to restaurants, go on planes, go to weddings, (etc) or see my friends at gatherings. This was devastating to me who made a living by being around people and is very social.

I thought, should I leave him? How could he love me and do this to me? At first, he was even mad at me for being mad! Here we loved each other so much before that one little moment. And I have to spend time with him ongoingly when I am constantly hearing loud sounds that i never heard before, and reactive tinnitus? You see my point here?

With time he came to realize what had happened and is now very patient and caring. I sometimes still cry, rage, and curse the moment this happened. To have one’s own lover have the one to do this!!! It brought up much feeling of betrayal.

Then I stared at a blank wall and asked my self, do I choose loneliness and being right, or love? I would miss him terribly to lose him. It was only one minute. He never meant to hurt me, obviously.

Can I forgive him? More importantly, can I forgive myself? In the therapy I did afterwards, just this last month (the injury was two months ago) I came to learn that I had been seriously abused by both my parents.. What a shock on top of the injury! So now I saw I was repeating the abuse of my parents on myself, abandoning myself and abusing and blaming me and everyone and everything I could.

So the real question is, can I forgive myself? I need to. I need to grow up, and heal deep inner wounds I never knew I had. As they say, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.

I need to love myself, and I am learning how at a whole new level. I am listening to Rob and Sp and others, and learning that I can’t always trust my “injured”, raging self. To them, I am profoundly grateful, for “holding” a line, or rope, that I can grab onto. Even though it feels like it’s the last thing my injured self wants or knows how to do is to take that rope, after a while, I just start taking it.

But each time I reach for that rope and pull myself up, I grow just a little bit stronger, and love myself just a little bit more. And find hands reaching out to me from all directions with ropes galore, saying, here’s how to do it, take it, take it…and congratulating me for being so strong!

It’s only me that has been refusing because I have been so depressed and scared and poorly educated by my life circumstances… but not by this moment. In this moment I have the choice to choose anew.

This story has no end. I still cry at times. I am still scared. I am learning however, the great wisdom of taking positive action, even when I don’t “feel” like it. Each time I do, I grow stronger. There is only now and I have forgiven and let go, as much as I know how.

There are actions I can take that seem emotionally driven and, better actions to take, given the circumstances at hand. Actions that help me to build a new and even richer life for myself.

I am doing all I can now to love myself, and treat myself kindly. Action plans, and listening to sage advice, from those who have traveled this path, and following them really help when I feel confused.

Also grappling, slowing finding ways, and truly knowing that I am healing and will heal, whatever that means,

Patti

ps.  Thank you all who have been then and are there for me. Please stay with me a little longer. You have helped me so much.

pss. Cazzie, I told you this because I am hoping you don’t feel so lonely if perhaps you knew that others are having to deal with a lot too. Please love yourself. You are worth it. Go take that walk by the beach. Even if your ears ring and you didn’t get enough sleep. Today is still precious.

(this post was slightly modified at a later date.)
cazzie
 #19 
Thanks pattiluv for your story. 

So your injury happened 2 months ago.   Have you had medical tests as well or had to go on antidepressants or take sleeping tablets? My nurse friend said I need antidepressants - I'm really trying to cope without taking them.

My sister wants me to see her GP but I have seen so many in the first two weeks when it all started - I saw the Hospital, my GP, another GP, the ENT. My GP and the ENT said the ear syringing didn't cause the screech but I was fine before then (I think they are just covering for each other). He didn't ask for any other tests other than a hearing test?  The ENT specialist is saying that it's tinnitus and may last months/years so of course that really upset me.

What is my sister's GP going to say that's different to all the rest??

As I've always liked comping in the peace and quiet, or reading in a quiet room, at this point in time, I'm living hour by hour and my family and friends are getting mad at me - they say I should be coping better than I am (if they had the noise in their ear, they would be thinking differently).



pattiluv
 #20 
hi cazzie,

read the thread, difficulty in getting to sleep. i posted there my strategy, and others have posted as well.

as far as people getting mad you have two choices. one, educate them. let them know what you need right now. instead of getting mad, say, "right now i need your help and support,.... would you please give me some reassurance that you love me/still care about me/will see me through this/ etc...?" or... realize that people get "compassion fatigue"... no matter how bad the situation is... they just can't handle or confront your pain... it's too scary. you then have to have compassion for them. tell them, thank them, for sticking with you even though it's hard for them. they will thank you for being so big.and you'll feel good about yourself.

ease off. if you possibly can, when you possibly can ( and i know it's hard sometimes). get support from therapists to offload the burden from family and friends.

demonstrate what you are doing to help yourself and ask for their acknowledgments at what you are doing to pull yourself out of your rut. they will find that much easier to hear and support and be around. . i think in the long run what you want is connection, friendship, and support. i know this isn't always easy to accept but it seems to be a fact of life and you might do the same if you traded places with someone else long enough. just the way life is...


patti

ps yes i got tests. and still getting them.

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